Bigtent asked us to look at an old poem and re-write, revise or turn it inside out.
This poem, which started as a sonnet, was written at the start of my poeming in 2007, and contained far too many unnecessary words – thes and ofs. I have not totally re-written the poem, but simply tidied it. The poem relives the sensations – unforgettable – of a dawn visit to this lovely bay on the other side of the island from where we lived in Seychelles.
I couldn’t find a photo taken at this special time of day, so this is the nearest approximation.
photo courtesy of Google
Dawn in Anse à la Mouche (The bay of the fly)
Layers of mist streak rounded hills,
outstretched arms of horseshoe bay.
An old Japanese print
breathes frangipane and seaweed rot.
Watercolour smears of floating rainforest
above shallows of shells.
Inner aching punishes my dumb inability
to digest so much sensation.
I mourn as humdrum normality
supersedes the memory.
Vivinfrance's Blog 
Can we be faulted for not giving in as much to reality? Yes, sometimes we are and we may be set back on our emotions. Nicely written ,Viv!
Hank
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“my dumb inability
to digest so much sensation.”
but you have conveyed so much sensation to the rest of us. beautiful imagery
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ahhh…beautiful!!! love watercolor smears, and frangipani…everything!!!
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it is sad that ‘back to normal’ replaces those memories so quickly
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“Inner aching punishes my dumb inability
to digest so much sensation.
I mourn as humdrum normality
supersedes the memory.”
It would be so nice to file away memories and pull them out as wanted or needed. Love the way you phrased the ache here. Well done.
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Humdrum normality supersedes the memory…. awww A lovely write Viv
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really lovely imagery through the first part…i can def relate to the numbing of normalcy…it is like a rut we fall into and the beauty goes unnoticed…at least for me…
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you’ve really captured something here…i know this feeling well… and certainly in those last few lines ‘I mourn as humdrum normality supersedes the memory’…you know- i’ve been away from work for two weeks….seen some amazing countries….yet i know come Monday- precisely what you said will happen- will happen- and that in itself is beautifully sad….very precise, emotive and melancholic piece hightend by your great descriptives
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Ah, I’m with you. You may have to revisit the place, the image. I cringed at the word “dumb”–it reminded me of my feeling of hitting a ceiling when I try to understand. cf: http://susan60.blogspot.com/2012/06/on-my-61st-birthday.html
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Wonderful poem, sorta puts me in the mood of Monet’s water lilies painting
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Wonderful imagery – your love of this place shines through.
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This is lovely. The images are descriptive, and bring me to your very memory. Beautiful.
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I don’t know why I am having difficulty posting to formats like this. BUT I loved your piece. Memories are always more poetic. Great line structure/placement/spacing/breaks, word choices, images. A great read. I am going to try to leave my website off from above. I’ll try to post it here.
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Have retrieved your replies from spam and waiting for approval files and just left the one above. Thank you so much, Henry, for your persistence, and kind comments.
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Viv, the imagery in this is delightful. I like “Watercolour smears…” – and those next two lines – that it’s so beautiful that all your senses can’t take it in, as if the body is too limited – and then the punch of the last two lines, when the reality seems less because it lacks the transforming element of memory.
Richard
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Wonderful memory! You’ve chosen perfect words for the fragrances that inhabit water areas. It does seem sad when the mundane takes over again. 🙂
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I like this poem just as it is too…and I love the way you described that feeling of not being able to bring back the actual sensations of memories. It seems like the harder you try, the more it becomes the memory of a memory…
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Those last two lines are superb, Viv. Nothing is worse, than humdrum normality.
Pamela
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Beautiful poem. Better than the picture! (This was your early poetry? Did you do other kinds of writing before poetry? It’s so – complete!)
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Thank you Marian. I agree that the picture doesn’t do the place justice. There seems to have been a fair bit of development siince we were there in the early nineties. I wrote the original poem during my creative writing studies, and apart from journalistic stuff I had written little of anything at that stage.
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Goodness…this is fantastic! Please do not do another thing to it. To me it expresses perfectly the frustrating inability to hold on to the sensation part of our memories. It’s like trying to grab a handful of fog. Again, fantastic! Vb
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I love the line about your inability to process…
Grand poem.
So many particulars give a vibrancy to this poem.
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Holy cats. Utterly beautiful. I would’ve been interested to see what the sonnet was like, but trimming did it good I suppose.
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I am somewhat overwhelmed by all the praise for this little poem. Thank you, everyone. I wondered about changing the second line to “outstretched arms of horseshoe bay,” to avoid repeating the name. What do others think?
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I’d give that a try, yes.
It’s a lovely poem. The last two lines are wonderful, and let the reader make comparison with their own forgetting.
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I don’t even want to see the real thing, Vivienne, since the word-picture you’ve painted is so beautifully illustrative.
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That is beautiful! 🙂
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There is an intensity in the photo that is echoed in your poem with an awareness of place, color, even smell. And I perfectly understand that line about dumb inability. Well said and written,
Elizabeth
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Breathtaking piece of poetry, to compliment a surely breathtaking scenery!
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I love the sensual frangipane and seaweed. The last lines are sad for me.
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I haven’t been able to come for a while? And I’m not sure my comment registered?
But I loved this piece!
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Boy I make up for not being able to come! Three comments! I’m sorry, but I did like it three times!
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I can do with all that appreciation! I’m not sure what happened, but I have deleted the first two. They certainly weren’t in Spam.
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Mysterious, beautiful piece… love the last two lines!
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An atmospheric sense of place, tinged with melancholy. Clearly you started off in great style, Viv!
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Excellent words setting the scene perfectly.
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“An old Japanese print/breathes frangipane…” Wow, Viv, this is delightful imagery. I know what you mean about how “real life” overwhelms the rich tapestry of memorable moments… this was great writing, hon. Amy
http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/no-limit-to-tears/
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This is beautiful, Viv, and I am so glad you brought it back to post here. You words are so descriptive I can see the serenity there. Thanks!
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This is a delightful piece, Viv. If this is one of your first, I can see why you kept writing. I love the phrase “my dumb inability to digest so much sensation.”
~Brenda
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Beautiful! Both words and image!!
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Just beautiful, Viv. I don’t know what the original was like, but I really like:
Watercolour smears of floating rainforest
above shallows of shells.
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Nothing like forgetting the exact feelings you have from the beauty around you at fortunate moments !
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love this:
An old Japanese print
breathes frangipane and seaweed rot.
Watercolour smears of floating rainforest
above shallows of shells.
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