Curvaceous mighty lower Thames
winds past London’s sordid glory.
Maps show alcoves of once upon a time,
idle docks in a warp of luxury living -
ricochet from penthouse suites,
to ivory towers of bankers,
and invisible media moguls
with their eternal spinning.
Further West the river narrows,
tidal flood forgotten ,
through the placid water meadows
graced by languid cows,
entwined lovers, sweating oarsmen,
sedate punters, strolling walkers.
Happy dogs splash in the water
chasing sticks, emerging
to shake and spray their owners.
Ever Westward the river meanders
through a froth of Queen Anne’s Lace,
dwindles quietly to boggy beginning
and disappears.
This is very much a first draft: I would appreciate helpful critiques.
For Brenda’s Sunday Whirl I managed to use all the wordle words except and ricochet
PS Thanks to a helpful comment from http://thewanderlustgene.wordpress.com/ I was able to edit and include the final two words.
Viv, as a story teller myself I kind of like all the extra words. But it is ultimately up to you to decide what you like best. I do like that last paragraph. Queen Anne’s Lace lines many a road side here.
Thanks for the arm chair visit, and thanks too for your kind words on my piece.
My father wrote books about the rivers of my home province, British Columbia, and your poem reminds me of his love for them.
K
Well, I’ve never been to London… so the only critique I can think of is to mention more sites along the way! Thanks for the journey!
Your wordle is a delightful path on an english countryside map. I found it most amusing.
This reminds me of Tennyson’s ‘The Brook’: the many different views of the beloved river.
That is quite some “remind”. I’m off to look at The Brook in order to be humbled!
I LOVE this piece, it recalls the splendor of times past so wonderfully……..sets the mind to dreaming! Love it, Viv.
If I could change one thing about your first draft it would be to stop thinking about you making a second draft. It flows and is very descriptive. I feel the scene.
I like the strong images you have created, but if you’re looking for constructive crit, my main suggestion would be to see how many adjectives you could loose, as it is a little adjective rich. And I’d loose ‘of bankers’ as my mind immediately is looking for a rhyme, so some reason there.
Good suggestion – I have already decided to lose fancy and high rise, but the idea of bankers in ivory towers has to stay!
fairy nuff.
(Maybe it could come earlier in the line? bankers in their ivory towers? )
(I’ll be off then ….)
“through the placid water meadows
graced by languid cows,”
Love the imagery especially this one!! Great wordling… I never even made it to the list this time! Hopefully next time.
Your opening is my favorite part:
“Curvaceous mighty lower Thames
winds past London’s sordid glory.”
I have been so blown away by the beauty of London (watching the Olympics) and of her people. I want to visit so much. Last night the station broadcasting the events here had an hour-long documentary on the courage of the Brits during WWII prior to the involvement of the US. Just blew me away. My dad (who died in battle–I think I told you that) flew out of Norwich.
I would not presume, Viv, but I love your dwindling froth of Queen Anne’s lace. Ha! Just read Wanderlust’s comment after I’d written that. I should have read it first!
Oh, Viv- This is lovely… especially the second stanza.
would love to spend some time on the Thames, you have done it justice, i like the edits and comments you have edited in. My only amateur comment would be to question the necessity of some of the adjectives in the first stanza: ‘fancy’ ‘high rise’. But I am prone to more brevity than most.
I’m sure you are right. Another edit may come soon! Thank you, Mark.
I don’t have any critiques for you on this. I can tell you my favorite parts though. I loved how you mentioned how wide the river was in each stanza in addition to describing the surrounding city or countryside, people and dogs. I think the ending is very strong. I like how the mighty river begins and ends in a bog. Its a strong visual and was, for me, unexpected. I only know the city part of the river — as a tourist.
This river runs like a thread through many stages of my life, so it was easy to write once I had chosen it as the vehicle for the wordle words.
I really like the eternal spinning of media moguls, Viv. It’s a strong image. Your piece evokes a sense of place, and makes me want to see the birds that frequent the river’s “boggy beginning.” This is a strong piece, thanks for bringing the Thames to Montana.
The upper reaches are heron heaven!
It’s been over 40 years since I took a ride on the Thames, but your images are remembered…..your use of the words was exceptionally well-done….
Creates Visions. Enjoyed it muchly.
Oh Viv- I usually delight in offering suggestions – for some reason this one just flows …perhaps because it is a first draft as you call it – it has an exquisite movement to it – just blows across the page … Bravo
I particularly loved the inclusion of Queen Ann’s Lace.
Viv, I really like this, great detailed imagery, soft tone throughout. I had some problems using all the words as well. Finally gave up and used the last one in my title. Memory is certainly a wonderful guide when we listen,
Elizabeth
http://soulsmusic.wordpress.com/2012/08/12/once-upon-a-time-past/
I have no idea about poetry but enjoy reading it!!
What wordleness you write – love it!
You know how useless I am about poetry, Viv, but could you expand on the ivory towers of bankers theme to include spin and ricochet? I really liked it, especially dwindling off in a froth of Queen Anne’s Lace to its boggy beginnings.
Ooh, I like boggy beginnings better than marshy source! May I pinch it? Thanks for the spin and ricochet idea – I may do an edit.
Of course!